Monday, September 19, 2011

COMMENT: one week in

Probably, by the 3.30pm, last Friday, everyone in Year 12 had been asked about their start to Sixth Form.

"What difference is there between Year 11 and Year 12?" - You will have produced automatic answers by about the third time; "I like not wearing uniform but I don't like stressing over clothes and I like the freedom but I miss my old friends and I like the new subjects but everything is harder and this but that and this but that..." Stop.

So here are some honest thoughts about Year 12.

Firstly, lessons have gotten about fifty times more interesting than last year. Suddenly, we are being pushed and challenged, and are engaged in subjects of our own choosing and interest. Teachers are far less patronising and take a genuine interest in your opinion, as you do in theirs. Everyone turns up to a lesson to work and learn something; this is in stark contrast to G.C.S.E. where, given half the chance, you would do nothing.

For this reason, the biggest lesson I've learned is thus: if you see someone in your class whom you have preconceptions about - forget them. That was in secondary school; we've moved on.

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WORD COUNT: 199

Monday, September 12, 2011

chain-smoking orang-utan moved from zoo

Prepare yourself because, by the end of the next paragraph, you may well feel it necessary to re-read the paragraph.

A chain-smoking orang-utan has been rescued from a life of downbeat decadence at a zoo in Johor, Malaysia. The orang-utan had started to chain-smoke and ingest beer, fizzy drinks and fast food.

“Smoking is not normal behaviour for orang-utans,” said Ahmad Azhar Mohammed, head of a zoo in the city of Malacca and winner of Mr. No-S**t-Sherlock 2011.

The orang-utan apparently suffered from serious mood swings and withdrawal symptoms, if not supplied with cigarettes. She also looked drowsy, sometimes - as if drugged - because she had begun to use the cigarettes, beer, fast food and other waste that punters had thrown into her enclosure.

Shirley, as she is known, will now go to the zoo in Malacca, where the phenomenally well-informed worker whose quote we used works, to be weened off cigarettes and her smoking habit before being sent to an endangered-species compound in the Malaysian part of Borneo.

TWOL says: If you are an orang-utan, avoid Malaysia.

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WORD COUNT: 179

Sunday, September 11, 2011

thoughts on 9/11

TWOL faces something of a dilemma today.

The date is Sunday, September the 11th, 2011. Because of events in New York, Washington and Shanksville, PN, ten years to the day, there is only one topic to be discussed in today's entry. However, there has been masses of prose, across the internet and printed media, written about these events, and today's anniversary, so TWOL must write something unique.

Although TWOL was just six year's old at the time, TWOL still holds vague memories of the day. Genuine breaking news programmes, reserved for such events as the 9/11 bombing attempts, are extremely rare and TWOL was most disappointed, that day, that CBBC had been cancelled for the afternoon.

Of course, TWOL must extend its sympathies to those whom have lost a loved one or were killed. Fortunately, the only effect 9/11 has had on TWOL are the increasingly strenuous and lengthy airport security checks of the 21st century.

Finally, TWOL would like to put an immediate halt to insinuations that America somehow 'deserved' to be attacked as a result of their foreign policy. This horrific event has been the subject of much paranoia and speculation but this is ignorant, insulting and, in most cases, xenophobic.

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WORD COUNT: 200

Saturday, September 10, 2011

more continental madness

Britain may prosper by loosening its ties with Brussels, says William Hague, the Foreign Secretary. He says being bound to other countries by closer tax and spending rules was "always a giant mistake."

He blames the Liberal Democrats for hemming in the Conservatives with regards to repatriating power from Brussels and says, "That’s the area we had to compromise on in return for other compromises.”

TWOL feels inclined to agree. Repatriating power from Brussels is extremely necessary.

That free trade between the UK and Europe should ensue is clearly a good thing. Not only does the UK gain most of its income from Europe but good trade maintains good relations.

That Britain is doing things such as giving up its legal sovereignty (as it did yesterday) in return for a European extradition treaty is simply absurd. This treaty will give European courts the chance to demand the arrest and handover of British citizens for 'crimes' that Britain doesn't even fully recognise as crimes, such as 'corruption' and 'xenophobia'. They may be summoned even as mere 'suspects', which contradicts the historic principle that everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

For reasons like that, we need to tone down EU control.

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WORD COUNT: 200

Thursday, September 8, 2011

tw-istaken identity

On Tuesday night, P.J. Harvey won the Mercury Prize and her fans were quick to shower @PJHarvey with praise on micro-blogging site, Twitter. Unfortunately, the music artist, P.J. Harvey, has the twitter name '@PJHarveyUK'. So who received over 2000 messages in two hours that night?

The unfortunate bearer of all the well wishes was Philip John Harvey, a software developer from Newcastle-upon-Tyne. His first tweet after the onslaught spelled out the situation perfectly: "well, this is awkward."

This isn't the first time Harvey has had a load of messages come through. When P.J. Harvey - the musician, that is - appeared on Late Night with Jools Holland, earlier in the year, the software developer received a reasonable number of messages too.

This happens to many other people too. Joe Hart, an 18 year-old computer science student receives a lot of messages when his namesake plays for Manchester City and England. The student says he once finished an essay: "I checked my Twitter and saw a tonne of ‘Well done, Joe Hart!’ tweets, and for a second I thought, ‘How did they know I finished the essay?’

This has also happened with @BP, @theashes, @SarahPalin and @DavidCameron!

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WORD COUNT: 198

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

socialism, twinned with dictators and slobs

Benito Mussolini. Josef Stalin. Muammar Gaddafi. Pol Pot. Adolf Hitler. You knew that all five of these men were dictators. But did you know another thing about these five dictators? All five loathed capitalism and started their political journeys in socialism.

Before you dismiss this entry as a sensationalist attack on socialism because I have named five disillusioned dictators, consider what makes a dictatorship; totalitarian or authoritarian. No pluralism or democracy. No capitalism or competition in markets. Pure governmental control.

What relevance does this have? A fair bit, TWOL would suggest. Socialism in Britain has created a social under-class. These people are disillusioned, politically inarticulate and very open to suggestion. Because of the strength of capitalism and democracy in the UK, there is virtually no chance that Britain could become a dictatorship in the near future. However, flirting with socialism is flirting with serious potential consequences.

With the recession, people want a scapegoat. People want to blame their hardship on other people. Socialism only encourages this. The short-sighted view that capitalism has failed this underclass is ridiculous. With a little help from the level of socialism of New Labour, these lazy people have failed themselves.

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WORD COUNT: 195

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

america coolest nation in world, apparently

A poll, by social networking site Badoo.com, has established American as being the "coolest nationality" in the world. The site asked 30,000 people across 15 countries which nationality they thought was the coolest and American got the most votes, with Spanish being the coolest Europeans, Brazilian being the coolest Latin-Americans and Belgian being the least cool nationality.

American was followed by Brazilian, Spanish, Italian, French, British (sixth!), Dutch, Mexican, Argentinian and then Russian, respectively. Belgian, Polish, Turkish, Canadian and German were the five least cool nationalities.

TWOL would just like to confirm its illegitimacy in terms of being able to judge coolness. TWOL enjoys reading classic literature, quoting Latin and Shakespeare, and the odd game of dice cricket. TWOL also enjoys politics, debates and being as opinionated as is reasonably possible.

So, now follows some unparalleled xenophobia/ignorance.

TWOL must admit some surprise when looking at that list. TWOL thought Germans were cool. They're efficient, hard-working and famous for beer, sausages and well-endowed ladies. TWOL also thought Argentina and France were un-cool. Argentina is famous for a fat man who plays football with his hands and France is famous for surrendering.

There's no future at the U.N. for TWOL, unfortunately.

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WORD COUNT: 200